I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
