The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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