I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
