I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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