she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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