i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
