I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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