so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
