I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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