There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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