I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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