Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
