it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
