You really coming over, don't trick.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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