I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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