I feel like I'm in dance class right now
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
