I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
