Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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