No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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