They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
