A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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