literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
