how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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