After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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