Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
