last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
