there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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