I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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