haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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