The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
