Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
