he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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