Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I think I just sharted jello shots
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