He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
