I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
The air was thick with penises
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
