I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
