Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
