a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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