I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
