I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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