Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Randomize
