I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
