Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
