I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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