Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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