Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
