So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
