i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
