He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I think my vagina is haunted
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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