You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize
