I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
